Breaking the cycle of generational curses and how to identify if you’re repeating the sins of your past

It is important to realise that you are not alone in this, we all suffer from past traumas from our childhood in some shape or form, and it is all relevant to each and every individual. But it is even more important to look deep inside yourself and identify whether you are guilty of the sins of your parents, what they are, and facing the hard reality that you might be doing the same things your parents did to you when you were a child. Its like the saying goes - Be the father you wish you had when you were a child.

My experience of this came from thankfully, realising it before my son was even born. Growing up, from as early as I can remember, my fathers drinking was the thing that affected me most. When he was going through hard times, my father would drown his sorrows and then take those sorrows out on my mom(verbally). When he was happy, it was also celebrated through drinking, but was met with sitting in the bar of our home and playing music loudly late into the night, resulting in my mom needing to plead with him to turn the music down always resulting in an argument. I still remember clearly how I would rush home after school from and after sports practice to make sure I am there and ready to either be with my mom to make sure she is okay, or to keep my dad busy with arbitrary things in order to keep him busy and away from my mother in order to not witness another argument. There are many stories to tell surrounding this, some worse than others which I will share in future.

Now that I am older, I realise I had 2 versions of my own father growing up. The sober, present, supportive father that always made sure I had everything I needed. And the drunk father who would be antagonistic and who always targeted my mother. Which version is the one you think stuck with me, affected me most, and is what I remember most vividly from my childhood?

Fast forward to my 20s, and I started to deal with setbacks and misfortune in the same way. Weekends binge drinking to make sure I can just put my worries to one side for a bit. I went to go visit my parents one weekend, and had a few beers with my dad while watching the rugby. After about 3 beers in it hit me, the small triggers that I picked up with each passing beer he drank that stuck with me from childhood. It hit me like Thor’s Hammer that I am on the same track in how I deal with things and need to have a hard conversation with myself and ask myself. Is this how I want to live my life? The answer was a resounding NO! 3 weeks later, I found out I was having a child of my own. I made myself a promise there and then, my son will never see me drunk and out of control, and I will make sure he never needs to feel anxious about me coming home, just excited and happy. I will always come home and walk through that door, leaving by the front door any bad day or moods and walking in with a smile excited to see my son. And it has been a promised I have kept and will always keep. In short… I will not repeat the mistakes of my father.

It is also important to reflect on what other bad habits and way of dealing with things can come into play. Its not only the big thing that affects a person, but all the small things that shaped the way you handle things. How you deal with conflict, how you are quick to react to something small and treating it as something big. Its important to always take a step back, take a deep breath and calmly talk to or explain things to your kids, even if it’s the 4^th time you have had to clean a mess or ask them to clean their room. You can discipline without threatening or yelling. Because one day they will believe the only way to work with people is to threaten them into doing so.

Something that helped me immaculately was the day I confronted my father about all of this. I had to “face my demons”. Since that day my dad took control of his alcohol consumption, he is the best grandfather one could ever ask for and our relationship has never been better.

I will leave you with this powerful statement that Dez Bryant made on The Pivot podcast – “Quit yelling at your kids at night before bed and expect them to sleep well. Stop yelling at your kids first thing in the mornings before school and expect them to have a good day. You set the tone for your children and you set the tone of your voice in their heads because you become their inner voice, so don’t be their inner critic. Speak light, speak love, speak bravery, kindness and hope. Speak wisdom and truth. And most of all. Listen to your children” Powerful message…

Below are a few steps you can take control of the curses you might be carrying with you. And I hope that this will inspire all the Super-Dads reading this to self-reflect and be honest with themselves. Facing the truth and your own faults might be hard. But what’s harder is one day seeing your kids go in directions you never wanted for them. You always want better for them than what you yourself might have had. I wish you all the best in the endeavour

“Always place your becoming above your current being”

Jordan B. Peterson Book: 12 Rules for Life

Some steps you can take to better yourself for your kids.

Emotional Availability

Advice: Practice active listening and open conversations. Let your kids express themselves without fear of judgment. Put away your phone when you are with your kids and actually listen to them. You cannot be present and listening actively when you are placing more importance on your phone than your own kids. And you will find that one day, they would stop coming to you for advice if you never gave them your undivided attention. And then it will be a little too late.

Modelling Healthy Relationships

Advice: Show respect, empathy, and communication skills in your interactions, whether with a partner, family, or friends. You cannot expect your kids to treat people with respect one day, no matter who it is if you always model disrespectful behaviours towards others. That includes the way you speak to and speak of other people. You can dislike someone. But call them an ass in your head and not in front of your kids.

Encouraging Emotional Expression

Advice: Encourage your children, especially sons, to share and process their feelings, showing that vulnerability is strength. It is important to tell your kids to be careful with who they share their emotions with. There are plenty of villains in disguise out there. Find your people that are happy for you when it goes well. And stick with you when it doesn’t. You as a father can ensure that your children know you will be that person for them.

Importance of Masculinity (In sons)

Advice: Never allow your sons to believe masculinity is a bad thing. Masculinity has been made out to be a bad thing in recent times. Masculinity is the most important traits that your son could ever have exemplified in their lives and reflect in their own lives one day. No one looks to the weak or feminine man when the chips are down, and difficult decisions need to be made. I implore all men reading this to read up on some books on stoicism which will be good to instil in your son. Here is a good example of one:  Teach kids that strength also includes kindness, empathy, and gentleness. Model balanced masculinity.

Prioritizing Mental Health

 Advice: Normalize seeking help by being open about mental health and destigmatizing therapy or counselling. Sometimes you yourself can’t see the things that trouble you for yourself. And sometimes the advice of others does more damage than good. That is where professionals come in. Mare sure you also surround yourself with people that support you through bad times. They will lift you up without even realising you were down.

Demonstrating Accountability

Advice: Own your mistakes and model how to apologize and take responsibility—this is vital for building trust. Model honesty and you will have children that will always come to you with problems in their own lives. They are never any excuses for dishonesty and lack of accountability. Part of being a man is owning up to your mistakes. Or your lack of accountability will one day catch up with you. Lack of accountability is the hallmark of a weak man.

Creating Financial Awareness

Advice: Teach budgeting, saving, and responsible spending to help break cycles of financial instability. Instead of just buying them everything their heart desires, explain to them that everything worth having needs to be worked for, and look into strategies like telling them you will contribute 50% to the item they wish to have, but the other 50% needs to be earned through chores, grades, finding a way to earn the money. The lesson they learn from this is of greater value than the money spent on buying them what they want would ever be. You will be surprised how willing and creative they will become to achieve their end of the 50%. And it will help them as they grow to set themselves goals and perusing them full heartedly.

I will touch on financial advice and options in future newsletters for you as a father

Promoting Lifelong Learning

 Advice: Show that growth is continuous. Encourage curiosity and a love for learning, reading and always to question everything and to investigate for themselves. Help them understand that what there is to learn in the world is not just taught in schools, and that most schools just set you up well enough to maybe go to college/university or to find a job that you will work till you retire. Learning that you yourself can educate yourself on a daily basis will allow you to find wisdom, imagination and the options of bettering yourself in order not to have to work a 9 to 5 till the day you retire if that is not what you want from your life. But remember, you need to lead by example. Engage in activities that perks their interest, read with them from a young age and suggest books, youtube channels or events that will aid them in their learning as they grow. If you want to see a future couch potato with very little ambition for bettering themselves, then continue to sit yourself and them in front of the TV, binge watching for hours for some simple dopamine hits

Building a Legacy of Respect

Advice: Teach children to respect themselves and others, reinforcing values like integrity and fairness. This again is where you need to lead by example. How you treat your spouse, partners and family members, how you treat the boss at your work vs the cleaning lady. All these people deserve the same level of respect. But respect has two sides of the coin. It is important for them to understand that disrespect will never be tolerated. Towards themselves or the people most important to them. Once disrespect rears its ugly head, you know everything you need to know about that persons intentions and it is always better to either put them in their place calmly and intelligently, and walk away from that person or relationship. But always remember… Your daily actions is what instil respect

Developing Consistent Discipline, Not Punishment

Advice: Focus on guidance and consistent boundaries rather than harsh punishment. Explain why rules exist. And if those rules have been overstepped it is up to you to see through on the punishments you see fit. If you don’t you will have children that know they can take advantage of you, and one day others.

Spending Quality Time

Advice: Prioritize quality time by doing activities that build memories, foster connection, and deepen bonds. I cannot stetch this enough – Your presence as a father is one of the most important things in a child’s life. I have written a full article here: Have a read and follow through on it

Prioritizing Physical Health Together

Advice: Set a positive example by taking care of your body and encouraging physical activity and healthy habits. We know all the health benefits to this. But on top of that, kids that are active in sports and training are less likely to gravitate towards drug use and hanging out with the wrong crows. It also teaches them discipline and that defeat or losing is not the end of the world. By you modelling a healthy lifestyle will make not only you feel more confident, but they will have a father they can be proud of.

Showing Unconditional Love and Support (Most important)

Advice: Let your children know they are loved, no matter what. This forms the basis of self-worth and resilience. Always ensure you show up when they need you and have them know you are their biggest fan and support in everything they chose to do in life. Constant criticism and overreaction to certain behaviour or situations will result in you being the last person they would ever call when they need someone the most.

Book of the week

Superhero-Dad Short Course:

Breaking Generational Patterns: A Self-Improvement Guide Based on the book abovementioned: It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn

Select the button bellow to view the free short course/guide